I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
