i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
