Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
