I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
