whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
