I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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