Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
