alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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