Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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