So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
