Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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