I can tuck mytits in my pants
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
