he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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