I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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