My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
