It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
