Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
