Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
