Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
