life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
