you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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