I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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