his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
