Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
