Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
