You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
