you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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