can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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