I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
