normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
