even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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