Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
