Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
