I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
