you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
