im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
