Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
