I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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