his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
