Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
