all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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