I'm laying in your front yard are you home
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
