i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
