someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Randomize
