Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
