return my video game
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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