I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
