and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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