my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
