the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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